Friday, March 21, 2008

Riders Unite!



Gather your nations, for in this hour of need we will need the lumbering range of the 29'er, the old school resolve of the straightened fork, the ingenuity of full suspension if we are ever to stop the invasion of the Pine Beetle.

Whether yee are an uptown titanium-wrapped anesthesiologist or a midtown fixed gear sandwich artist, we need yee, or thee? We need yee thee!

While we dicker and dither in fractious and tattered bands, the Pine Beetle Dendroctonus frontalis Zimmermann chews in multitudinous synchronicity above the trails we all call home.

Figure 1 - Range of the southern pine beetle in North and Central America.



As you can see the entire federated colonies of SORBA lie within the zone of death, and our own fragile Tatooeen is hopelessly locked in the belly of the abyss.

So ride! Ride you weekend warriors! Ride you destination riders!
Ride you over 40 and skittish! You under 30 big air whores! On baggies! On spandex! Together we are greater.

We will crush them beetle by Zimmerman's beetle beneath frog pedal and spd, lollipops and eggbeaters, flats and toebaskets until the last carapace has snapped in the forest.

Juancho

24 comments:

Anonymous said...

The dread beast up this way is the Emerald Ash Borer. I imagine it is no more nor no less destructive than your Pine Beetle but it's name is a lot nicer, don't you think? And of course, the Ash tree is way more majestic than the lowly Pine. I don't mean to diminish the threat you face in the southland but we've got problems of our own.
Dr. D

juancho said...

That's what I keep telling the Iraquis.

juancho said...

I mean "People of Iraq", not the Iraquois tribe.

LoPo said...

Who killed the pine beetle's predator is what I want to know!

Human Wrecking Ball said...

Wow, the pine beetles are bigger than Jesus!

Anonymous said...

Don't martyr them; they'll come back stronger and with a dogma!

Verily I say: they will rise up from their carapace crunch in 3 days time to descend to hell and then ascend to pine heaven to rule forever.

At which point...we will be ruled prophets(for profit?) such as Juancho interpreting Pine Beetle doctrine on a whim.

oh ye oh OOOHH oh, oh ye oh OOOHH oh

Ms. Moon said...

Juanch- what you smoking? I want some.

LoPo said...

OK. I looked it up. The pine beetle juancho is referring to has no natural predator. It looks like an ugly little beast that lives WITHIN the trees, under the bark, and I'm with Juancho. Crunch those bastards under your tires!!

BIGWORM said...

Is that why we now ride so many new logs, to crunch the buggers beneath the bark????

juancho said...

That is pretty much the plan, yes.

the old bag said...

Hallelujiah!

...makes me wish we had Pine Beetles up here...but I'm sure we've got something that needs quashing, I think -- I just need to find out what it is....

hitops said...

So if I can't ride logs does it mean the terrorists have won?

Back to Cobra Khai. Is he the guy who decreed a stately pleasure dome in Xanadu? I need some background. Guess I'll hove to Google it.

Human Wrecking Ball said...

PINE BASTARDS!

Anonymous said...

Nice unifying spectre.

Hmm.. OK, whether road or dirt, the lead riders have a "bait application"
left by their tires, then the mid-pack group issues the "call of the pine beetle", and the sweep crew ride their Puglsy's big tired bug squisher knobbies.

LoPo said...

Unifying? Whatever happened to good old "us against them"? "Man against bug," etc?

juancho said...

yeah, or man against roadies?

nicol said...

Hey!

juancho said...

What? You know I love rolling on the hot pavement in straight lines for hours on end.

nicol said...

I thought that was your favorite activity.

But still, not all roadies deserve to be squished like a bug. ;-)

Anonymous said...

I love how you are all "Cobra Kai" these days. It cracks me up.

juancho said...

Sorry Nicol, that is a pretty bad analogy. I wouldn't wish squashing on any roadies, maybe a stiff neck though.

NO MERCY NO REMORSE COBRA KAI Hoo Ahh!

nicol said...

My feeble attempt at a humorous analogy has been "squashed". :D And, I am gonna worry about getting a stiff neck now.

juancho said...

The roadies are getting a stiff neck over at Bigworm's place right now.

www.apebike.blogspot.com

nicol said...

Just peeked over there. I am exhausted just hearing about that experience.

The main group I ride with here in Lincoln doesn't drop people. And, yes, SUV drivin' moms and others not paying attention, is a common scary threat. Pick ups are seemingly the vehicle of choice around here though, and when I see one of those coming at and passing me very loudly at top speeds, my heart rate definitely goes up.