Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Jake



When I was eleven or twelve I tried earnestly to change my name to Jake. I'm not sure what I was reading at the time, but the idea got in my head somehow that "Jake" was a cooler, tougher, and more dashing derivative of Juancho than "Johnny" as I was widely known. I tried assertive measures like:

Coach "Butch" Downing: "Johnny get over there with Levi and Joe, you're on skins team."

Jake: "It's Jake Coach, just call me Jake."

Coach "Butch" Downing: (pause) "I SAID YOU'RE SKINS, I DIDN"T ASK YOU WHAT YOUR NAME IS- GO RUN A LAP!"

(Jake runs a lap.)

I also tried subtle techniques like signing my homework "Jake Doe". My History Teacher, Ms. Betty Phillips would read off the names while passing our work back to us and when I saw her well-traveled face scrunch up like she sucked on a lemon I knew she was holding Jake's homework.

Ms. Betty Phillips: "JAKE? WHO IN THE TAR IS JAKE?"

(Jake raises his hand.)

Ms. Betty Phillips: (Shakes head and spits in the trash can) "JAKE?"

(Jake slinks up the aisle to retrieve highest grade in class homework.)

It's true. Jake killed World History.

In time my dreams of becoming Jake passed. I put Jake's denim British touring cap in the back of his underwear drawer and settled into a placid adolescence as Juancho, as you know me now- you're humble(except for the 104 Average in World History) blogger.

Since then, the nicknames have been few and far between.

How about y'all? Got any good nicknames? Lived down any bad ones?

Come on Booger, don't be shy.

Juancho

-out 'til Sunday.

8 comments:

nicol said...

Good story, "Jake." :)

Mine were "Nicol-miner's daughter," or the obvious, "picky- Niki."

Mr VCee said...

Ha! I wish I knew that then. I would have laid it on pretty thick. Good one Jake! And Nicol-miner's daughter is comedy genius. ;) Good stuff.

reverend dick said...

Ouch. Jake woulda done jes fine ifn he'd a worn a cowboy hat and saved the denim fer his jeans.

I never had any funny nicknames, no.

hitops said...

Spider, because the guys at the Ormond Beach gym thought my game resembled John Salley's, allowing for differences in height, weight, and talent.

Human Wrecking Ball said...

Have I had any nick names? A few.

Wheezy (I'm asthmatic)
Bojangles (because I am old and that's the sound I made coming down the trail)
Intense Terry (I never figured that one out)
Back In Black (Worm would sing this at the beginning of every ride becuase I only had one black jersey and one pair of shorts)
Human Wrecking Ball (for destoying bikes and parts)
Zipper Neck (because of my neck surgery scar).

I also had a creek named after me when I fell face first into it.
Worm refers to my car as the Little RC car. My riser stem is the "Boner Stem".

Why do I hang out with the BC guys again?

Libbyllama said...

I called you Jake! Even though it felt blasphemous to say it.

I think the Word Verification is calling me a new nickname. "Boozi". Did you tell it to do that?

Mingo said...

I tried to change my name to Bill, after my favorite uncle, in middle school.

Fart – when I was about 10, for the reasons you would think.

Scare Crow – as a basketball player, something about long, skinny arms.

Foster Fester – dodged this one by a hair.

Mingo – for the rescue of a damsel in distress on Munson Hills.

juancho said...

(Nicol miner's daughter is an awesome nickname. I hope you wear it proudly.

I really want to hear Mingo's story. I've often wondered where that name came from.